Search

Be Authentic - The Struggle to Allow Yourself to BE

Before I gathered the courage to start posting my thoughts and feelings online for potentially the entire world to see I had to battle a few internal struggles. Something strange happened to me when I began to "wake up" to the my new vision of expanded reality. Knowing that I was so much more than myself had a few unpredictable effects. Initially it completely empowered me because I knew I was so much more than a mere human. The physical world felt like an illusion. I could connect with any spirit, feeling, entity across space and time. I could view and go anywhere in the world (and beyond) via astral projection, I could literally fly and walk through walls. I could speak to the dead and recall memories for folks here on earth so they could have comfort in knowing their loved ones still exist. I could will things into existence, predict the future through dreams and introspection, listen to spirit guides and my higher self and convey advice for others.


It didn't take long for the "illusion" of the physical world to feel like a trap. I began to pull away from my physical self. How could any of it have meaning when there is so much more to do and explore. How can the usual comforts of TV, living room, and phone possibly compare to traversing the cosmos in a limitless energy body? The truth is that it can't and it's still a struggle with from time to time. Finding "balance" has been something I've been advised to do by friends and colleagues -other empaths who have followed a similar path. I met that advice with resistance and I still take it cautiously as I am the type of being who must explore scenarios for herself. (Even now as I type this my fiance is trying to talk to me about fixing the fence, something I cannot find an ounce of care for with my mind in the clouds.)


I continued to feel "trapped" in my physical body - constrained to limits and slowed personal progression, and for what? I started to question the value of myself. On such a grand scale why do I, one of nearly eight billion people on a tiny planet in a huge galaxy part of an infinite cosmos, matter? Why does ANYTHING I do matter? That's something I'll probably never stop asking, and as I grow, learn and change - my opinions may as well. I dare not begin to state that I am sure of anything and when teaching others I am careful not to assert my opinions and experiences as fact, and to only teach my students methods with which to explore for themselves.


Lately I have begun the process of reclaiming my "self." This is such a baffling conundrum as many folks in the metaphysical community spend a great deal of time stressing the importance of unity and letting go of ego and "self." The idea of my "self" was something I was eager to lose, reject, and push away upon the truth of finding out I was so much more. But I am here, on this physical plane, expressing myself as human for a reason, I have to be, and for now I certainly choose to believe that. So I started examining my path, my role on this planet, the things I am "called" to do.


When I was young I used to write, a lot, and as I aged I told myself there was no point because there was always someone out there who would do it "better." Someone who already had my ideas, who had already publicly shared my opinion. I used to make art. As I got older I told myself it was selfish, and people had no use for the trash that came out of my head, so I tried to do something that "mattered." I got a job "helping animals," changed my major in Mass Communications and switched it to the much more challenging (for me) degree of Animal Science. It was a pre-vet degree though I had no intentions of going to Vet school, I assumed I didn't have what it took. (Setting limitations for myself based on societal input and assumptions.) I thought I would change the world and stop animal overpopulation. I landed my dream job as the clinic supervisor of our local animal shelter, believing I would happily retire there, no matter how meager the pay, I'd be doing what I loved. I jumped in empowered, passionate and on a mission, only to be met with angry overworked employees just looking for a paycheck and non-profits in bed with government agencies and donors for money. The true passion of saving the animals was few and far between. It was an environment of stress and hostility driven by "numbers" and productivity. There was no focus on the health or joy of the employees, the passion I assumed was needed to power such an endeavor was lost. I assumed everyone was in it for the "right reasons" and I was broken to find this was not true. I became quickly disgruntled and after a few years of angrily complaining, and growing bitter, my hands tied, I left for a boring desk job and the promise of more money. I buried all my gifts and passion, all my natural inclinations and abilities. I hid myself from a world that wasn't having any of it. And then I woke up, and buried myself again with the idea that in this huge universe I couldn't possibly matter.


But I do. I began to ask myself what is even the purpose of being alive? Not in a suicidal way, just in a "why am I here?" kind of way. I started to view my time here as a gift. Will I continue to exist beyond my physical body when it has perished? Most certainly. Have I possibly lived prior lives in other energetic forms? In some way I'd gather, yes. I started to understand my body as a gift from Earth, a loan if you will. A chance to experience all that has come to be in this gradual evolution of the Universe. As Source energy we have developed the ability to experience a tiny portion of life through a minute pinnacle of consciousness. Through this small window of time and space I can experience love, pain, and everything in between. What an amazing gift, and who am I to say I am not worthy of experiencing it.


With that mindset I began to look at things that brought me joy, painting, music, singing, dancing, cooking, loving, teaching. I invited myself to create my own joyful environment. I gave myself permission to be happy. Should it really be so complicated?


Before posting my thoughts I battled my ideas of what "society" wants. How do I "social media." How do I make myself "relatable" and I decided to embrace my organic journey. Am I a guru with infallible advice? No way. Do I have access to an infinite cosmos of guidance that I can share with anyone who is compelled to listen? Yes! Am I able to share my experiences so that others might relate to feeling infinite, yet fragile, and human? I hope so.